Dear Editor

Cosmopolitan Jane

Re the Cosmo covergirl (noseWEEK1): Your frontal page does wonders for the reader’s circulation!
Ben Coetzee, Roodepoort

Banker's reserve

I acknowledge receipt of the first issue of noseWEEK. For obvious reasons, eg cover page and page 9, I cannot associate myself with your publication. Kindly remove my name from the circulation list.
C F Swanepoel

It is obvious that you are at an age where you are so obsessed with sex (cover page) and rude jokes (page 9) that you failed to notice pages 3,4,5,6,7 and 8 of our first issue, which should have concerned you more, both professionally and morally. Your much appreciated letter, together with the Reserve Bank’s failure to stop the illegal flight of billions of rands from South Africa, lends support to the long-held theory that the wankles* at the Reserve Bank generally look at the wrong pages.
Regarding your request to disassociate yourself from our publication, regrettably, with things being as they are at the Reserve Bank, we are, as usual, unable to promise anything. We trust this month’s cover is more to your taste –ed.

* For meaning, see after “wanker” in Chambers 20th Century Dictionary.

Frank's taste

Re: Cape Town’s mayor, Frank van der Velde (noseWEEK 1):
I’m not surprised he swims so happily off Green Point in a sea polluted with municipal sewerage – he talks so much shit, he’s used to the flavour.
C.J.E., Claremont

Hello, Vito Roberto

Congratulations on noseWEEK.
How about pursuing the tale of Mr Palazzolo, the Mafia banker who, far from leaving the country as he was supposed to do, has purchased not one, but two, properties in Fresnaye on the slopes above Sea Point. Whose palms have been further greased in order for him to flout the law and maintain his luxurious lifestyle in SA? I eagerly await further issues of noseWEEK.
Cape Town

Hello, Dolly?

I haven’t really had much time to do a response to your article about me. What I would like you to do is to run the photograph again and include this caption in the words of Oscar Wilde:
“There is only one thing that’s worse than being talked about and that’s not being talked about.”
Hope to meet you when I am next in Cape Town.
Lyndall Campher

Your wish is our command – Ed.

Break-in at no.10

The Department of Foreign Affairs is still in a quiet sweat about a most unfortunate break-in at their offices at 10 Hamilton Street, Pretoria, in mid-March. Minister Pik Botha and other high-profiles share the President’s august offices at the Union Buildings, from where, with boring regularity, statements are issued denying South African involvement with Angola’s Unita movement. Less well-known is the “Angola section” of Foreign Affairs which is installed in rented accommodation at 10 Hamilton Street.
M, Johannesburg

Good luck with your resumed venture.

What a relief it is to read of good, clean, old-fashioned dirt, instead of the new South African politics.
Are you going to do something about the number of foreign millionaires (their millions usually of obscure origin) who are buying up properties around the country?
There’s one in East London, for instance, that becomes curiouser and curiouser, buying more and more. Is there bullion on the banks of the Buffalo?
JDL, Cathcart

Hmm. – Ed.

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