Harold Strachan's Last Word

Originality. Not-so-short shrift


One thing you must give Adolf Hitler credit for is his unerring talent in the naming of things. I mean he could put his finger so elegantly on any phenomenon. Jazz, in full fashion in the US, he defined as Jewishbolshevistnegroschragmusik, all one word. Neat, man. Succinct. The Fliegerabwehrkanone Flyerdownshootingcannon, known to all aircrew as flak, this gun in the rear cockpit of a Messerschmitt 110 night fighter angled upwards at the main fuel tank of a Lancaster bomber also was known as Schragmusik, a merry piece of National Socialist humour.

But what I want to explain here is an evolutionary theory of National Socialist elegance. The Führer, see, had great regard for Darwin, who could well have been writing about das Drittes Reich in his bit about natural selection, survival of the fittest. Excelsior! Ever onwards, ever upwards! But there was a niggling inconsistency in Darwinism: it could not accept the notion of reverse evolution, retro-evolution you might say. And here was a living example of such Entgegengezetzterentwicklungslehre; here before our very eyes and ears was the example of Schragmusik retro-evolving from the glories of Wagner, the monumental disintegrating into street rubbish. Work here for the Reichspropagandaministerium and Josef Goebbels. And what Josef did was to send one of his top operatives to take a tour to Darwin’s Shrewsbury and nose about there and see if he could pick up something useful for National Socialist thinkers back home to alter Darwin’s theory of evolution a little. Just a teeny weeny amendment, see?

Of course this operative might well have gone for a nice seaside holiday to Brighton for all the Führer might know; he returned after a month-or-so with a nice tan and the most obliging news. Sniffing about in Darwin’s Shrewsbury Museum, he claimed, he had there found an old Bible with a family tree in it, and there it stood plain as plain: Darwin’s grandmother was a Jew! Darwin rejected the investigative process of retroevolution lest his descendants be classified as Jewish too!

Right away the scientists set to work, and soon in their publications appeared a Psychogenetischezusammenfaschung by Drs Gottlieb von Kratzpfutz and Teodor Krapfhorst, explaining the feasibility of reverse evolution by interferometric nanosonar wave mechanics. Basic Matric maths to this were what they called the K+K Equations: one could expunge the total evolutionary programme of any creature, one could retro-evolve Jews to Australopithecus Africanus and relocate the entire species to an ethnically cleansed jungle habitat in Africa in short time and at little expense. There they could happily sit and crack nuts with stones and evolve at their leisure. But alas! Philistine armed forces invaded the Drittes Reich and it all came to nought. The rest is history.

Somewhere in the archival places of Germany, though, there must remain the entire Kratzpfutz/Krapfhorst record, and it occurs to me that we Zionists might well avail ourselves of it now. Updated, of course. Modernised. But the same Philistines lie in wait. They cannot mind their own business. I mean we hate militarism, ours is an ancient intellectual culture, before bombing folks with cluster bombs and white phosphorus we always radio them to seek shelter if they could find such a place in Palestine, kids to duck under their school desks because we’re coming. I mean come on, dear reader, can you think of any military force as compassionate as ours? Yet we have no alternative, we are forced to do this by philistine terrorists. Given peace in our time we could compassionately apply the K+K Equations and peacefully retro-evolve the unhappy Palestinians to stromatolites and settle them in a nice warm shallow sea along the Mediterranean coast... er... no... on second thoughts make that the Red Sea coast.

Let me make it clear, there’s nothing undignified about being a stromatolite. These were the starters in a lifeless world, great compacted mushroom communities of bacteria consuming chemicals in a shallow lifeless sea and farting out small bubbles of oxygen until all waters were full of it and living nunus got evolving. And when the sea was full of fishes and things the stromatolites went on farting and filled the air with oxygen too and land fauna started the long evolutionary trek, ending up with... US! Supreme! Excelsior!

We owe the stromatolites a debt of gratitude, see?

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