Harold Strachan's story of Simba, which appeared in our last issue, rendered slightly more comprehensible by competition winner, Ingrid Luyt.

You may be thinking of crushed rose petals, lilly of the valley, marigolds, romping through Elysian fields, the azure promise of your lover’s eyes as she gazes appreciatively (nuff – ed) . . . actually what you’re giving her in that bottle of top brand perfume could more appropriately belong in a toxic waste dump, according to recent laboratory tests.

Our old friend Isaac Kaye seems to have made it to the top of the political ladder in ‘New Labour’ Britain. Like his better-known friend Sidney Frankel, Kaye’s talents lie in setting his business sails to the political wind or, less poetically put, knowing that, secretly, every politician and ambitious government official loves a (financial) blow job.

The world now knows that Rembrandt is buying into e-TV. But, as we discover, e-TV is teetering on the brink of collapse with debts of half a billion rand – most of it borrowed from various unions closely associated with e-TV chairman Marcus Golding. Is the proposed fairytale union actually a desperate shotgun affair?

Shmuel Deri was the son of an orthodox rabbi – who also happens to be a leading member of the Jewish mafia known as the Black Haredi – and on the lam. He found a warm welcome in Sea Point’s ultra-religious Lubavtich community , and became a firm favourite of Rabbi Mendel Popack. Soon he and his friends were quietly punting an investment scheme that offered very high returns and a way to get money offshore. Half a guess as to what came next. God bless Shmuel – and keep him (far away from us!).

British authorities summarily close down Christo Wiese’s London brokerage citing “acts of misconduct” and the protection of investors.

We reveal how top Boland bank officials took a small town steakhouse owner for a devastating – some would say criminal – R6m ride that, it now appears, may have been intended to advance Christo Wiese’s bid to gain control of BoE.